Things Your Mother Never Told You About Shopping

Have you ever shopped for cremation or funeral merchandise? Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not a shopaholic. I like to get in, get what I want, and get out. Walking into the merchandise room at a funeral home can make you want to get out even faster! Unfortunately, I’ve lost both parents in the last 20 months so I’ve had to experience this facet of shopping. Fortunately, when my daughter, now 26, was in eighth grade I went with her and her confirmation class on a field trip to a local funeral home and had my first glimpse of the casket selection room. If you were buying a car or some furniture it would be the showroom.

Are you the kind of person who makes big purchases without much thought, or are you one of those who studies the literature, asks around, and makes an informed decision? Most people, at least in America, prefer not to think about death, not to talk about it, and definitely not to do any pre-need shopping. It’s almost as though refusing to acknowledge that 100% of the population will die, refusing to plan ahead, will make you the unique exception. In my work as a hospice social worker I was often the person who had to raise the question of how the patient wanted to be cared for after death, what funeral home had been chosen, that sort of thing. Many people shushed me, ushered me out of the room, or simply refused to continue the conversation. At one visit I was pleasantly surprised when I asked about after death arrangements. The couple, Asian if I recall correctly, informed me that in their culture it is a sign of respect to make arrangements prior to death. Not to have done so would have indicated a lack of caring for their parents.

There’s a lot to know when you’re deciding how best to care for your loved one after death. Have you talked about what you and your family prefer? If you don’t, then everybody has to guess and they might get it wrong. Do you know what difference it makes whether the body is embalmed or not? What difference do you think it makes whether there is or isn’t an innerspring mattress? Of course, this is a moot question if you’ve chosen cremation. When cremation is involved, there are different considerations. Do you want an eco-friendly urn? What will happen to the ashes? Are they to be kept at home,  interred in a cemetery, scattered, buried at sea? Does the cemetery require a vault for the eco-friendly urn so the ground where it’s buried will remain even and not sink in as decomposition progresses? Is the urn you’ve selected at least 200 cubic inches, the size of an average person’s cremated remains?

Many of these are questions that never occurred to me. Just last week, however, I was selecting an urn for my mother and the salesperson (I’m sure he had a  more formal title) asked me about all these things. He also reminded me that if I want to transport the cremated remains across state lines, if I want to take them through TSA, there are certain certificates and requirements. I felt like there was so much to consider! If I, who have called numerous funeral homes on behalf of hospice patients, who have worked around death and illness, felt overwhelmed by all these questions, others of you might, too. You avoidant people know who you are. Somebody will have to answer these questions about you some day. You can make things easier on yourself and on everyone involved by becoming informed, by discussing options with those who care for and about you, and by having a plan.

Is this fun shopping? Decidedly not! Would you be more likely to do it if I told you that by doing my pre-need exploration I was able to save about $3,000 on cremation services? Or that I was able to focus on my mother and her well-being at the end of her life rather than worrying about what to do next? Or that I was able to reassure her that she would be well cared for all the way to, through, and beyond the end?