Are You Stuck In This Squeeze?

Only a few of those born into this world survive the vicissitudes of infancy, childhood and maturity. And this, by the way, is most fortunate; for otherwise if all lived to be old and the burden of caring for them  in their increasing helplessness were thus added to the burden of caring for the helpless young, this would be a much harder world for those in their prime.

 Alfred Worcester, M.D., Sc.D. The Care of the Aged, the Dying, and the Dead

It seems like I stumble on more and more books and articles about “The Gray Tsunami” or whatever name you want to give the rapidly increasing elderly population. Lately I’ve read often that one reason for the swelling ranks of elderly is that modern medicine has made it possible for many more children and infants to actually grow up and become adults rather than dying of the flu and other common childhood diseases. As you read in Alfred Worcester’s words above, written in the early 20th century, this did not used to be the case. In my family my mother was the only one of three children born to her parents to survive infancy. I myself nearly died of interaction between the flu and aspirin when I was merely eight years old. I’m lucky to have made it to my 60s.

We’re seeing the truth of Worcester’s words in today’s society. Employers are faced with finding ways to get work done even as their staff needs more time off to care for aging family members. Caregivers live with stress. They’re often fatigued, stretched financially. Even when they can schedule time off from work, they may not be able to schedule time off from caregiving. While the option of respite care in a nursing facility or with a private hire caregiver in the care receiver’s own home exists, it takes time to research these options, to choose one that seems like a good and safe fit, to make financial arrangements, and to discover all the little details that need to be handled. If your financial house isn’t in good order, you may not be able to afford respite care.

How do you take care of yourself? During my mother’s final months I simply had to let some things go. I used to joke that if I were my own social worker making a home visit and assessment, I’d have concerns. Is this person a hoarder? Upon closer observation you might learn that no, I’m not a hoarder. I’m just a daughter who had to clean out her parents’ home and hadn’t yet had time to sort their treasures and make decisions about them. The stuff won’t be underfoot in my home forever. If I needed to be at a meeting with the doctor or the hospice team, I might skip yoga and do some stretching in my mother’s room while I waited for the team to arrive. I’d stop off at a restaurant on the way to the assisted living and pick up a sandwich and an extra apple or bag of chips. That way I was able to stretch one sandwich to cover both lunch and dinner. Most of all, I had to learn to be okay with the fact that I did not have control over life and death. I had to accept that I had put the systems in place to make my mother as comfortable as possible, to keep her safe even as she was dying, and that everyone was doing the best they could.

Are you feeling squeezed? The last thing I want to do is put more pressure on you, but I strongly encourage you to take care of yourself. If nothing else, taking care of yourself might make it less of a squeeze for your kids when they’re trying to take care of you, live their own lives, and be available for their kids and/or grandkids.